Stinks For You
by New Warrior of Fire
Summary: When Mack refuses to bathe for weeks on end, things begin to 'stink' for the other Rangers. Pairing MackRose, RonnieWill. COMPLETE!
1. What is That Smell?

(Will, Dax, Ronnie and Rose are spending quality team building time in the base by playing B.S.)

**Rose:** Three nines.

**Ronnie:** Two tens.

**Dax:** Four jacks.

**Will:** B- to the -ullshit!

**Dax:** (Takes the pile) Dammit.

**Ronnie:** Hey, how about that battle last week?

**Will:** Yeah, when we blew up that monster, I thought Flourious was going to shit himself.

**Dax**: Yeah, that was funny.

**Rose:** Does anyone else smell that?

**Dax:** Smell what?

**Rose:** Oh, you know, that cool, crisp breeze that smells like a heard of buffalo shitting into a furnace.

**Will:** Actually, now that you mention it, yeah. (Turns his head) Where is it coming from?

**Ronnie: **Yeah, and where's Mack?

(Suddenly, the Rangers notice Mack a few feet away, shirtless and flexing his muscles in front of a large fan.)

**Will:** (Drops jaw) That just ain't right.

**Ronnie:** Oh my gosh you guys, I think that smell is coming from Mack!

**Will:** Really? You think?

**Rose:** Let me handle this. (Walks over to Mack) Hey, Mack.

**Mack:** Hey, Rose. What's shakin'?

**Rose:** (Takes deep breath) Mack, when was the last time you took a shower?

**Mack:** Today.

**Rose: **Today?

**Mack:** No, wait, it was two weeks ago today.

**Rose:** (Nearly gags on her own uvula at that information) Oh my gosh! Uh . . . wow, Mack. Good for you. (Runs back to the others)

**Ronnie:** Well, what did he say?

**Rose:** He hasn't bathed for two weeks!

**Will:** We can't stand for this! Mack is supposed to be our leader. We can't have a gross, reeking, hygiene challenged fucking warthog leading the team that's supposed to save the world!

**Dax:** Yeah, and we can't have Mack stinking up the place either!

(Will is preparing to obliterate Dax's testicles with his boot for being such a dumbass when Mr. Hartford comes into the room.)

**Dax:** Hey, Mack's dad!

**Mr. Hartford:** Yeah, Dax, how about you address me as Mr. Hartford, or else I can just start addressing you as Dumbass?

**Dax:** Hey, that's exactly what my dad calls me!

**Will:** (Sarcastically) Really?

**Dax:** Yeah! And my frat boys, too!

**Rose:** Dax, you've never even been to college.

**Dax:** Pie taste like crayons.

**Mr. Hartford:** (Shakes his head at the raging dumbass he stupidly chose as Blue Ranger, then turns to the others.) So, what's up?

**Rose: **Actually, Mr. Hartford, we were hoping to have a word with you.

**Mr. Hartford:** About what?

**Rose:** (Glances at Mack) Could we speak to you in private?

**Mr. Hartford:** Sure thing, Rose.

(Rose, Will, Dax, Ronnie and Mr. Hartford go into the other room, out of Mack's earshot.)

**Rose: **Mr. Hartford, Mack reeks! He's stinking up the entire base.

**Mr. Hartford**: (Shakes his head gravely) Yes, I know.

**Will:** Well, you're his dad. Can't you tell him to take a bath?

**Mr. Hartford:** I'm afraid not.

**Rose:** Why not?

(Mr. Hartford has a flashback.)

(Flashback)

**Mack:** Hey, dad, I bet you I can go a whole month without bathing!

**Mr. Hartford:** You're on.

(End Flashback)

**Rose:** (Disgusted) You made a bet?

**Mr. Hartford:** If I told him to take a bath, it would be cheating!

**Ronnie:** But Mr. Hartford, we'll die of his stench before a month is up!

**Mr. Hartford**: I'm sorry, guys, but you'll just have to hold out until then. Now, I have a mission for the five of you.

**Will:** (Sighs) Does Mack _have_ to come?

**Mr. Hartford**. Of course. He's your leader, weather or not he smells like cottage cheese in a sauna.

**Will:** Speak of the devil . . .

**Mack:** (Walks in) Hey, guys. What's up?

**Mr. Hartford:** Spencer's been tracking abnormal energy levels throughout Australia. I need you to fly to there to investigate. Also, due to the potentially volatile nature of such a high energy, you will have to wear specialized anti-radiation vests.

(Spencer brings in the vests, then complains about how he's not paid enough. Mr. Hartford kicks him one in the ass and tells him he's lucky to be paid at all, considering what a fucking piss-baby he is. Spencer stalks off with a conspicuous wet spot on his trousers.)

**Rose:** These are pretty cool.

**Dax:** Yeah, they even come in our colors!

**Will:** (Sniffs his) Wait a second. Why do these smell like . . . (Takes another whiff) Mack?

**Mack:** Oh, by the way, I tried them all on first.

**Will/Dax/Ronnie/Rose:** (Almost barf up a lung at the grossness) Eww!

**Mr. Hartford:** Yeah, Mack, yours is the _red_ one. Remember? They're color coordinated.

**Mack: **Yeah, but to develop a well-rounded fashion sense, I feel I must experiment with lots of different colors. For example, today I found out that baby pink is totally my color. And black is so slimming on me!

**Will: **Yeah, Mack, we're the Overdrive Rangers, NOT the Fab Five!

**Mr. Hartford:** Okay, you have your mission. Get going.

**Mack:** All right! (Throws up his hands in triumph)

**Will/Dax/Ronnie/Rose:** (Crumple to the floor in the overwhelming noxious sting of their reeking teammate) Aww!

**Spencer: **(From the other room) Bloody hell! What died?

**Mr. Hartford:** (Under his breath) Hopefully, Dax.


	2. Red With God Knows What

(The Rangers are in the jet, en route to Australia. Mack is sitting shotgun, while Will, Dax, Ronnie and Rose are cowering in the back of the jet, trying to escape Mack's emanating stench.)

**Mack:** Wow, we're going on another exciting mission to save the world! Can you smell the adventure?

**Will: **(Mutters) That's not all I smell.

**Rose:** (Kicks Will) Shut up! We can't let Mack know that he reeks. It'll hurt his feelings.

**Will:** At this point, I really don't care.

**Mack:** (Oblivious to the others) Say, is anyone else cold? I think I'll turn on the heater.

**Will/Dax/Ronnie/Rose:** NO!

(Mack turns on the heater, much to the horror of his teammates. His reek is immediately intensified by the heat, which causes the other Rangers to slump in their seats and moan at the permiating aura of his eminating stench.)

**Will:** (Holding his nose to block out the odor of hot, sick ass.) You still think we shouldn't tell him?

**Rose:** (Choking) Y- . . . yes!

**Dax: **I can't take this! Someone open up a window!

**Mack:** No, it's too cold for that. If you're too hot, I'll just turn on the fan. (Before the others can say anything about it, Mack turns on the fan. Since he's sitting shotgun, of course, he is directly in front of the fan, and the scent of whatever's been ruminating in his underarms for the past two weeks is blown onto the other Rangers. Will, Dax, Ronnie and Rose are hit by the stink wave and pass out.)


	3. Pining for Rurouni Kenshit

(After regaining consciousness, the Rangers arrive in Australia only to find that the "volatile energy" that Spencer had been tracking was just some rich guy's bad-ass entertainment system. So Mack goes to his room to read Ruroni Kenshin, and the other Rangers return to the base empty handed.)

**Mr. Hartford: **Hey, guys. How did the mission go?

**Will:** (Bitterly) Let's just say it stunk.

**Ronnie:** Yeah, I felt like I was drifting on a straight.

**Spencer: **(Still bitter about the footprint on his ass from before)Ronnie, we're all damn sick of your racing analogies. Why don't you do us a favor and keep them to yourself?

**Ronnie:** You're an asshole, Spencer. I hope Mack comes in here and puts his arm around you.

(Suddenly, the Rangers hear Mack approaching.

**Dax: **Oh, no! Mack's coming!

(Everyone gets into their battle positions and hold their noses as Mack walks in)

**Mack:** Hey, guys. What are you doing?

**Dax:** Oh, nothing, just trying not to die!

**Mack:** Why? Did Will fart again?

**Will:** (Indignantly) Of course not!

**Mack:** Come on, Will. Remember that time you shit yourself at school? (He puts his arm around Spencer as he reminisces. Spencer gags, while Ronnie stifles her laughter.)

**Spencer:** Bloody hell! (Spencer breaks free, runs to the bathroom and pays his tributes to the porcelain goddess.)

**Mack:** (Shrugs) I guess he really had to go. Oh, well. YOU can reminisce with me, Dax! (Mack puts his arm around Mack's shoulder)

**Dax:** (Panicking) Hey, Mack, there's a Samurai X marathon on right now.

**Mack:** What's Samurai X?

**Dax:** It's the screenplay adaptation of Rurouni Kenshin.

**Mack:** Oh my gosh, Rurouni Kenshin?! I gotta go set the Tivo! Later, guys. (Mack runs off)

**Dax: ** (Weakly) Yeah . . . bye. (Dax waves until Mack is out of sight, then grabs the can of Oust he always carries on his person for some strange-assed reason and furiously sprays the air where Mack has been.) Oh my gosh, you guys. I can't take much more of this.

**Will: ** I really think we should just tell him. (Shoots Rose a meaningful look)

**Rose:** Seriously, you guys have no manners.

**Ronnie:** Well, what do you suggest we do about it?

**Rose: ** There are many non-invasive methods of de-funkifying Mack.

**Will:** Like what?

**Dax: ** We could cover him in car fresheners.

**Will: ** (Shakes his head) Dax, you dumbass, that won't . . . Wait a minute, that might actually WORK!

**Rose: **Yeah, right. And how do you suggest we convince Mack that it's cool to walk around covered in car fresheners?

**Will: **I've got it all figured out. Here's the plan . . .

(The Rangers huddle up while Will gives everyone the plan. After a few minutes, Mack walks in.)

**Mack:** Hey, guys. What are you suspiciously whispering about?

**Will/Dax/Ronnie/Rose:** (Quickly jump apart) Oh! Hey, Mack!

**Dax:** Why aren't you watching Samurai X?

**Mack:** (Pouts attractively, causing Rose to drool) There was no Samurai X marathon. I guess it must be next week or something. So, what's up with you guys?

**Rose:** (Wipes her mouth) We were just discussing the latest fashions.

**Mack:** (Intrigued) Really?

**Ronnie: **Yeah! The most popular one right now is the Modern Samurai look. Hakama pants, wooden sword, and pine medallions!

**Mack:** What's a pine medallion?

**Will:** These! (Produces two pine-scented car fresheners)

**Mack:** Will, those are car fresheners.

**Will: **Yes. The Modern Samurai wears these as bling, plundered from the cars of his vanquished foes. They represent the Samurai's status. The more you have, the more the Samurai is respected as a warrior. Also, legend has it that these medallions ward off the evil spirits of the forest.

**Mack:** Cool! I wanna be a Modern Samurai! But I'm gonna need a LOT of car fresheners . . .

**Will/Dax/Ronnie/Rose:** (Giggle at the effectiveness of their diabolical scheme.)

(A few minutes later, Mack emerges from his bathroom, dressed as a 'Modern Samurai')

**Mack:** Well, how do I look? (He does a spin)

**Rose:** Wow, Mack. You look so . . . commanding.

**Will:** (Choking on his diabolical laughter) Damn straight.

**Mr. Hartford: **(Walks in) Hey, guys. (Stops when he sees his son dressed like a total fucking Ruroni Kenshin-worshiping dumbass.) Mack, WHY are you dressed like that?

**Mack:** It's the Modern Samurai look! You like it?

**Mr. Hartford**: (Seriously pondering the mental health/sexual orientation of his son) You look like a dumbass. Take that shit off before somebody sees you!

**Mack:** But dad, I love it!

**Mr. Hartford: **Who's dumb fuck idea was this?

**Mack:** I don't know. But whoever it is, I want to kiss them!

**Dax:** (Eagerly raises his hand) It was me!

**Mr. Hartford:** (Under his breath) No surprise there.

**Mack:** (Horrified) Oh . . . uh, I'm just gonna go to my room and read Ruroni Kenshin . . . For the rest of my life. (Mack starts to leave when he bumps into Spencer.) Oh, hey Spence.

**Spencer: **Well, I can see dumbass the second spent more of his daddy's money to look like a raging homosexual from the Edo era.

**Mack:** What do you know? For one thing, Edo was a place, modern day Tokyo to be exact. It's from the Meiji era. You're just a fat, fucking bum who's bitter because no girl in her right mind has ever talked to you! (Kicks Spencer in the balls then runs off. Spencer crumples to the floor, then slithers away muttering something about how Mack better not go to sleep tonight.)

**Mr. Hartford**: (Shakes his head in disgust) I need to hire a new butler. Anyway, I have another mission for you guys.

**Dax:** What is it, Mack Daddy?

**Mr. Hartford:** Hey, dumbass, it's Mr. Hartford, unless you want to be a eunuch.

**Dax: **You just don't understand self-expression!

**Mr. Hartford:** You don't understand anything!

**Dax:** (Looks confused) What were we talking about?

**Mr. Hartford:** I rest my case. Anyway, the mission. Flourious is attacking the city. He has one of the jewels.

**Will:** (Sarcastically) Are you sure it's really Flourious? Or is it just some fat guy with a PSP?

**Mr. Hartford: **Well, I'm just guessing, based on the readings on that screen located just behind your fat head.

(The Rangers turn to look just behind Will's head only to see that there is, indeed, a monster attacking, and he is flanked by Flourious.)

**Mack: **(Suddenly reappears wearing his Overdrive uniform that is now covered in pine-scented car fresheners, and he has his wooden sword strapped to his back) You guys ready?

**Will/Dax/Ronnie/Rose:** Ready!

(Everyone assumes morphing position)

**Mr. Hartford:** Hold on a second, Mack. I can see the sword on your back. Ruroni Kenshin accessories stay at home. You're not a little boy going out to play with his nerdy-as-hell friends anymore; you're going off to save the world.

**Will:** This coming from the guy who didn't even tell us Flourious was attacking until _after _he ragged on his son's fashion sense!

**Mack:** Dammit! (He takes the sword off his back and throws it off in some random direction. The Rangers then hear the dull thud of a wise-ass butler being forcefully impacted in the balls with the blunted sword.)

**Spencer:** BLOODY HELL!

**Mack: **Ooh, right in the twanger.

**Mr. Hartford:** How do you like them apples, BITCH?!

**Will:** (Sighs disgustedly at this immaturity) Let's just go.

**Mack:** (Never sick of repeating his Rangers catch phrases) You guys ready?

**Will/Dax/Ronnie/Rose:** Ready. (Everyone takes hold of their respected Drive Trackers)

**Mack/Will/Dax/Ronnie/Rose:** Overdrive, Accelerate!

(The Rangers set off to save the world, undaunted by the fact that they are running around in multicolored tights.)

**Author's note: Wow, almost 200 hits in three days! Thank you to everyone who read, and those who reviewed. I hope you enjoyed it enough to read the next chapter when it comes. If anyone has any suggestions, please feel free to give an obscene amount of reviews. Come on, do it for yourselves! So what if it greatly benefits me? You know you want to!**


	4. Smells Like Team Spirit

**Chapter 4: Smells Like Team Spirit**

Authors' note: When in morph, the Rangers will be referred to by their Ranger designation.

(The Rangers arrive at the scene, where Flourious's monster is attacking.)

**Drive Red: (Mack)** This has gone far enough, Flourious!

**Flourious: **Oh yeah? Who's gonna stop me?

**Drive Red:** (Poses) Drive Red!

**Drive Black: (Will) **(Poses) Drive Black!

**Drive Blue: (Dax) **(Poses) Drive Blue!

**Drive Yellow: (Ronnie)** (Poses) Drive Yellow!

**Drive Pink: (Rose) **(Poses) Drive Pink!

**Drive Red/Black/Blue/Yellow/Pink:** Operation Overdrive! (All of the Rangers do their final poses, and an explosion goes off behind them like it does whenever they complete their poses)

**Flourious:** So, a bunch of teenagers in spandex are supposed to stop me? Please! Go back to doing drugs and tormenting your parents.

**Drive Red:** No way, Flourious! This is a kid's show, and we always stay clean and obey our parents! Right, Rangers?

**Drive Black/Yellow/Pink: **Right!

**Drive Blue:** The weekends don't count, right?

**Flourious:** Let's cut the chatter. If you can defeat my monster, then you can have the jewel. (He dangles the jewel in front of the Rangers.) I'll just keep it safe right here. Alavertigo, attack! (Alavertigo, who is basically a giant nose on legs, steps forward.)

**Alavertigo: **You don't stand a chance against me, Rangers! With my superior nose, I can smell out your greatest weaknesses!

**Drive Red: **You're no different from the other arrogant bastards we already blew up! We'll fuck you over just as bad!

**Alavertigo: **Take your best shot, Rangers!

(The Rangers all take out their Drive Blasters and take a shot at Alavertigo, but their blasts don't affect him.)

**Drive Red: **It didn't even affect him!

**Drive Black:** Y'know, Mack, just because all of the Power Rangers before us have said completely obvious things in battle, it doesn't mean we have to!

**Alavertigo: **He's right, Red Ranger. You're gonna pay for that little quip!(Alavertigo fires a particularly strong blast at Mack, who flies into the air as the explosion goes off behind him)

**Drive Red:** Woaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

**Alavertigo:** And now for you other Rangers! Let's take a whiff and find out what your greatest weaknesses are! (Alavertigo sends out and an energy whip that pins the other Rangers to the ground. He then goes to Will, puts his giant, grotesque nose on his chest and sniffs him invasively. )

**Drive Black: **Aggggggghhhhh!

**Alavertigo: **Ah-ha! Your greatest weakness is . . . your vanity!(Alavertigo then launches a snot rocket that envelopes Will, dissolving his energy binds.) And now you will succumb to your weakness!

**Drive Black:** (Looks at his spandexed body) Oh my gosh! I'm a fat, fucking hog! Look at this spare tire!

**Drive Yellow: **Will! Snap out of it!

**Drive Pink: **You and Mack are the only ones that aren't bound! You have to free us!

(Will is unable to hear them, as he is consumed with his perceived fatness. He continues to poke himself.)

**Alavertigo:** And now it's your turn, Yellow Ranger!

**Drive Yellow:** Stay away from me, you shit-fed pervert!

**Alavertigo: **Like that's gonna happen! (Alavertigo does a particularly nasty sniff along the length of Ronnie's body.) Oh, that smells good! And now for your weakness! (He fires the same snot rocket at Ronnie, nailing her in the chest!) Your greatest weakness is . . . fear of accidentally farting wet and soiling yourself!

**Drive Yellow: **Oh, no! I think I feel a fart coming on!

**Drive Pink:** You have to fight it, Ronnie! It's not real!

**Drive Yellow: **I can't shit myself in battle! I have to eat something to plug up my asshole! (Ronnie takes out her Drive Tracker) Drive Mixer, launch! (She initiates the launch code for Drive Mixer and within seconds it rolls up next to her.) Just in time! (She then positions herself under Drive Mixer and tries to eat the cement pouring out of it, but since she is morphed, it just gets all over her helmet.)

**Alavertigo:** Now for the blue knuckle-dragger! (He sniffs Dax, then backs up and fires his snot on him.) Your greatest weakness is . . . rational thought!

(Dax sits in the dirt, picks up a stick and starts writing a math equation. Every couple of seconds he would grunt, use a few colorful expletives, and then scratch out what he had written.)

**Drive Blue:** Why can't I do this right? _Argh!_

**Drive Pink:** Since when can you do anything right?

**Drive Red:** I guess it's up to me! (Mack, who has finally recovered from Alavertigo's last blast, runs in again. Alavertigo bitch slaps him and Mack goes flying.)

**Alavertigo:** Nice try, Red Ranger! Let's see what your weakness is! (He sniffs Mack from long-range and fires his gross as hell snot rocket at him. Mack takes it right in the chest.) Your greatest weakness is . . . Lactose!

**Drive Red:** Nice try, Alavertigo, but there's no lactose around here! You can't make me succumb to it!

**Alavertigo: **Oh, but can't I? (He pulls a milk cannon literally out of his ass and aims at Mack)

**Drive Red: **(Gasps) You fiend! I'll be farting all night!

**Drive Black/Blue/Yellow/: **(Suddenly snap out of their illusions when they hear that they are about to be faced with a situation in which Mack smells even worse.) NOOOOOOO!

**Drive Pink:** (Even louder than the rest) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

**Alavertigo:** Sentai footage can't save you now! This one's all you! FIRE! (He fires the milk cannon and the blast impacts Mack, launching him into the air with a large explosion)

**Drive Red:** Woaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

(Mack falls to the ground and painfully demorphes. A triumphant Alavertigo closes in on his unprotected body, ready to finish him, when the stink wave hits.)

**Alavertigo: **You've reached your end, Ranger . . . wait a second, what's that smell?

**Mack:** That is the stench of justice! Something an evil being like you could never comprehend. It's my passion for doing what's right, propelled by my burning heart!

**Drive Black:** (Mutters) That ain't justice right there, and I don't think it's coming from his burning heart, neither.

**Drive Blue:** I can't believe it! Look at what's happening to Alavertigo!

(Alavertigo's nose, which pretty much comprises his entire body, begins to swell at Mack's stench.)

**Alavertigo: **This can't be happening to me! I'm Alavertigo! I don't have any weaknesses! NOOOOOO!

(Alavertigo becomes so swollen that he finally explodes)

**Flourious: **(Rolls his eyes) You piss-babies got lucky this time! Someday soon I_ will _wear the Carona! (He teleports away, leaving the jewel behind.)

**Drive Black: **(Whispers to Drive Pink, who was freed when Alavertigo exploded.) Looks like the car fresheners didn't last long.

**Drive Pink: **No wonder. While he was in morph, they were probably ruminating in his suit.

**Drive Yellow:** Well, at least he didn't smell as bad. While they lasted.

**Drive Black: **(Sarcastically) Yeah, instead of smelling like a reeking, unsanitary warthog he just smelled like pine-scented ass.

**Mack:** (Oblivious to the conversation of the other Rangers) Well, we got the jewel. Let's take it back to the lab.

(The Rangers return to the lab and Mr. Hartford analyzes the jewel.)

**Mr. Hartford:** That's strange.

**Rose: **What is it?

**Mr. Hartford:** This isn't one of the jewels from the Carona Aroura. It's just a regular, run-of-the-mill, jewelry store gem.

**Will: **That doesn't make any sense. Why would Flourious lure us out there? I thought he was just after the jewels.

**Mack: **Don't you see? He was luring us out so that he could destroy us. That way he would be free to pursue the remaining jewels without anyone to stand in his way.

**Rose:** How do you know all that, Mack?

**Mack:** I read it on his MySpace page.

**Ronnie:** (Shocked) He has a MySpace page?

**Will: **What a fucking dumbass. You'd think he was trying to make it easy for us.

(Meanwhile, in Flourious's lair . . .)

**Norg:** Uh, Flourious, Sire?

**Flourious:** What do you want, you waste of meat?

**Norg: **Why do we have to keep attacking the Rangers like this? Wouldn't it just be easier to drop a nuclear missile on Hartford's house?

**Flourious:** No, dumbass. This is a kid's show. That would make it too easy for us.

**Norg: **I thought this was a fanfic.

**Flourious:** It doesn't matter what this is! Shut up and leave my sight while I devise a plan to get rid of the Rangers.

**Norg:** How do I know you're really going to work on a plan to get rid of the Rangers and not working on your MySpace page?

**Flourious: **That's none of you fucking business!

**Norg:** Whatever, MySpace whore.

**Flourious:** That does it! (He binds the damn useless sasquash to an icicle and lights his testicals on fire.)

(Back in the Hartford's basement . . .)

**Mr. Hartford: **Listen, you guys have had a long day in battle, and I think you've earned some down time. So, I've arranged for all of you to visit my private sauna!

**Will/Dax/Ronnie/Rose: **WHAT?!

**Mack: **This is so awesome! I'm gonna get my sauna stuff! (Mack runs upstairs)

**Rose:** Mr. Hartford, _please_ tell me there are separate steam rooms!

**Mr. Hartford: **And how would that be funny for me?

**Will: **Why are you doing this to us?

**Mr. Hartford: **Well, I figured that if you guys got sick of Mack reeking up the team, you would put pressure on him to bathe, thus increasing my chances of winning the bet.

**Rose: **You can't be serious!

**Mack:** (Comes back) Hey, guys! Let's go!

(Mack drags the other Rangers off, and Mr. Hartford stifles his laughter.)

In the Hartford private sauna . . .

(Mack is the only one enjoying the sauna. He is relaxing while the other Rangers desperately huddle in a corner, trying to avoid his stench)

**Will:** This is so nasty!

**Dax:** I guess Mr. Hartford was right when he said Mack smelled like cottage cheese in a sauna!

(Suddenly, the Rangers hear a slurping noise. They turn to see Mack, eating cottage cheese and sipping Coke.)

**Rose:** Mack, what are you doing?

**Mack:** I'm eating cottage cheese. I like to eat cottage cheese after a long day.

**Dax:** But I thought you were lactose intolerant.

**Mack:** Yeah, I just eat it and accept the consequences. (Mack lets out a long fart)

(The other Rangers hold their noses and duck for cover.)

**Will:** Oh, that's just magical!

**Rose:** Mack, what is that in your cottage cheese?

**Mack: **Garlic. (He takes a swig of his Coke, then lets out a massive burp that shakes the entire sauna.)

**Dax:** That's foul!

**Will: **Get me out of here!

(The Rangers start pounding on the sauna doors, but it's locked)

**Rose:** Somebody electromagnetically locked the doors!

**Will:** But who would do that?

(Meanwhile, upstairs, Mr. Hartford is watching everything going on in the sauna on one of his screens. He cackles wildly, nearly pissing himself with laughter.)

Back in the sauna . . .

**Will: **Y'know, I don't think it's really that smart to eat dairy products in the sauna, Mack.

**Mack:** I don't feel so good. (Suddenly, Mack pukes all over the rocks, and the chamber fills with steam.)

**Will/Dax/Ronnie/Rose:** NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

**Well, what did you think? Remember, reviews are love!**


	5. Mack and Cheese

(One heavy duty wetting accident later, Mr. Hartford decides to let his son out of the vomit chamber so that he can live to continue the bet. The door of the sauna opens, and the Rangers run out.)

**Mack:** I'm gonna go to the bathroom for a few hours. (He starts retching and runs off.)

(The other Rangers don't say anything. They just run for the showers to get the smell of Mack-after-battle-in-the-vomit-sauna off of themselves. Mr. Hartford changes his undergarments, and by the time he gets back to the base, all of the freshly showered Rangers are waiting for him. They're none too pleased; in fact, they want to rip his head off.)

**Mr. Hartford:** (Acts like nothing happened) Hey, guys. What's up?

**Will:** You want to know what's up, you shit-sucking bastard?!

**Ronnie:** What the hell was that stunt?

**Mr. Hartford:** I'm not sure I know what you're talking about.

**Will: **(Screaming) Okay, as if it's not bad enough that you made a stupid fucking bet with your dumbass son who we have to fucking live with, but then you lock us in a fucking steam chamber with him after battle slogging dairy products and blowing ass and liquid laugh ON THE ROCKS!!!!!!!!!

**Mr. Hartford: **Well, anything sounds bad when you say it like that.

**Rose: **That was cruel, unusual and unhygienic. This little bet has gone too far. YOU need to call it off.

**Mr. Hartford:** (Suddenly concerned) Wait, did Mack shower after his sauna?

**Will/Dax/Ronnie/Rose:** NO!!

**Mr. Hartford: **(Mutters) Dammit. Well, you guys, I'm sorry, but you're just gonna have to live with it. Listen, I want this over as much as you do. Do you think I enjoy seeing you suffer?

**Will/Dax/Ronnie/Rose: **YES!!

**Mr. Hartford:** Yeah, I do. But if you want it to end, you'll just have to get Mack to bathe. (He leaves the room.)

**Will: **Well, not that I'm sticking up for Mr. Hartless over there, but that was my idea all along. Let's just TELL him!

**Rose: **But that would be selfish!

**Will:** Okay, let's take a moment to think about who's REALLY being selfish here!

**Ronnie:** Yeah, I'm kinda with Will. Mr. Hartford is being a royal asshole, and I say it's time we did something about it.

**Dax:** I have half a mind to stick it out the full month just to see Mr. Hartford lose.

**Will:** (Scoffs)You have half a mind period. Remember what your weakness was?

**Dax:** Hey, I'm capable of rational thought! When was the last time I fucked something up?

**Rose:** Let's see, you drove the Drive Mixer into a canyon while trying to prove that no one ever got hurt driving blindfolded.

**Ronnie:** You accidentally crashed the tracking system in a failed attempt to play video games on 'The biggest screen ever'.

**Will:** You dropped your Drive Tracker in the toilet while trying to piss in a handstand.

**Ronnie: **You started a grease fire in the Hartford's kitchen while making yourself a bowl of cereal.

**Rose:** You were so old when you were potty trained that your mom's home video of your first successful trip to the potty was seized by law enforcement as pornography.

**Will:** Then there was the time you thought Spencer was . . .

**Dax: **Okay, I get it! So I've screwed up a few times. But it's like my dad always said, it's not how many times you fall . . . (Dax takes a theatrical tumble.)

**Will:** It's how many brain cells die in the fall.

**Dax:** (Still lying on the ground) Yeah, kick me while I'm down.

**Will: **Okay. (Will rears back his leg to kick him.)

**Dax: **(Panicked) I didn't mean it like that! (Gets up) And how about YOUR weakness? Oh, look at me, I'm Will, the porkiest Ranger on the team! I weigh five ounces more than I did yesterday! Why don't you fucking join Curves?!

**Will:** You little bitch . . .

**Ronnie: **(Steps between them) Easy, guys. We need to stop fighting each other and figure out a way to . . .

**Dax:** Oh, sure! Let's listen to fart girl!

**Ronnie:** (Turns to Dax) WHAT?

**Dax: **You heard me. You're probably the only Ranger in history who has a phobia of shitting herself.

**Will:** Hey, back off!

**Dax: **What, is fart girl your girlfriend now?

**Will:** I'm gonna fuck you up for that! (Shoves him) Don't you EVER call her fart girl!

**Rose:** Enough! The immaturity has to cease. Now I have one more plan for de-funkifing Mack, but it'll only work if we work together.

**Will:** What if it doesn't work?

**Rose: **Then we'll tell Mack. In fact, _I'll _tell him personally. But this isn't gonna fail. That is, if we have full team cooperation. (She looks at everyone condescendingly)

(Dax pouts and looks at the ground like a five-year-old. Ronnie smiles gratefully at Will, who eagerly returns her smile, then takes her hand.)

**Will:** Let's do it.

**Ronnie: **I'm in.

**Dax: **Crayon make me shit rainbow.

**Will/Ronnie/Rose: **(Roll their eyes at yet another random neural firing of their dumb fuck teammate's slowly dying brain.)

**Rose: **Are you in or not?!

**Dax:** Oh, I am so in. It's on!

**Will: **So what's the plan?

**Rose:** Okay, we get every bottle of cologne in this house, and at the most opportune moment, we surround and spray Mack. After a while, he'll just smell like way too much cologne, instead of sunbaked chum from a rotting whale placenta.

**Dax:** Sounds like a plan to me.

**Will:** I hate to agree with shit-for-brains over there, but I like it.

**Ronnie: **Let's do it.

**Rose: **Okay, but we're gonna need a LOT of cologne.

(Meanwhile, Mr. Hartford is watching the Rangers from upstairs, on one of his many monitors. A slow, diabolical grin spreads across his face as a sinister plan is borne to his fertile mind. He drops to his knees and cackles like a squirrel on crack with a feather boa in its pants, assuming squirrels wear pants.)

(The Rangers meet back in the base one hour later, each with an armload of assorted colognes.)

**Rose:** Okay, the plan is set. Now we just have to wait for Mack.

**Will:** He's been vomiting up there for hours. He's lost so many fluids, he'll have to come down here for a snack sooner or later.

**Rose:** (Winces) (To herself) Poor Baby.

(In a stroke of perfect timing found only on kid's shows, Mack comes downstairs.)

**Ronnie:** Hey, Mack! You feeling better?

**Mack:** Yeah, I'm okay now. But suddenly, I'm really hungry.

**Rose:** Quick, huddle up!

(The Rangers assemble.)

**Rose:** Okay, I'll go with Mack and make him something to eat. You guys stay close by and watch for Mack to let his guard down. All right?

**Will/Dax/Ronnie:** Right.

**Will/Dax/Ronnie/Rose:** Break!

**Mack: **Wow, you guys do that a lot. Do you have some sort of suspiciously-huddling-and-whispering club that I don't know about?

**Rose: **Yeah, it's . . . the style now.

**Mack: **All right! You guys have got to let me join you sometime. But for now, I'm getting a snack.

**Rose: **Uh, Mack, how about I make something for you?

**Mack: **Wow, thanks, Rose. That's really nice of you.

(The Rangers all go into the Hartford's kitchen. Mack waits at the table while Rose makes him a sandwich. Ronnie, Will and Dax also sit at the table, far away from Mack. After a few minutes' Rose comes out with Mack's sandwich.)

**Rose: **Here you go, Mack.

**Mack: **Thanks! This is awesome!

**Rose: **What's so awesome about it? It's really nothing, just a regular peanut butter sandwich.

**Mack: **Well, yeah, but you know, it's always a little more special when it's made by someone you care about.

(Rose blushes, and her respiration ceases.)

**Rose:** (Stammering) Well, in that case . . . I-I mean . . . you're- . . . you're welcome, Mack. Excuse me for a moment. (Rose awkwardly leaves.)

**Ronnie:** (Whispers to the others) Doesn't that seem a little weird to you? Rose never gets flustered like that.

**Will: **Yeah, I wonder what's up.

**Dax: **Who knows? Maybe she likes him.

**Will: **Yeah, right. She probably just caught a whiff of the stinker. Did you see the way she was holding her breath?

(A few minutes later, Mack finishes his sandwich, around the time Rose comes back.)

**Mack:** Wow, I'm really full. I don't remember the last time I was so susceptible to suggestion.

**Dax: **Hey, Mack, let's all go into the living room for no particular reason.

**Mack:** Good idea, Dax.

(The Rangers now know that they have Mack, seeing as how he just acknowledged something that came out of Dax's mouth as a good idea. They lead him into the living room, discreetly grab their respected bottles of cologne, and close in on Mack.)

**Mack: **Hey, guys, what's going on?

**Ronnie:** We're sorry it had to come to this, Mack.

**Will:** But you left us with no choice!

**Rose: **This is for your own good. Fire!

(The Rangers open fire on Mack, but strangely enough, it's not cologne that comes out of their aerosol cans. A thick, slimy coating of creamy, processed spray cheese envelopes Mack Hartford's body. The Rangers cease fire.)

**Will: **The hell . . . ?

**Ronnie: **What happened?

**Mack: **What is this?

**Dax: **Oh, I know! It's spray cheese.

**Will: **(Whispers) No shit. But what the hell is it doing in our cologne cans?

**Mack:** You guys, I don't know what to say . . . This is- . . . The best! My entire body, covered in cheesy goodness! I'm gonna hug each and every one of you! (He advances toward Dax.)

**Dax:** It was all Rose's idea!

**Mack:** (Turns to Rose) Rose, you did this . . . for me?

**Rose:** Mack, it's not what you think . . .

**Mack:** This is the greatest thing anyone has ever done for me. My own, cheesy adventure. I don't know how to thank you.

**Rose: **You really don't have to . . .

(Mack gets down on one knee and takes Roses hand, then delicately kisses it. The Rangers are stunned speechless.)

**Mack: **Thank you.

**Rose: **(Breathlessly) Mack, I- . . . it's really nothing . . .

**Mack: **(Gets up) I'm gonna give you a hug. (He closes in on her.)

**Rose: **(Thinking fast) No, Mack, wait! Um, you don't want any of your cheese to rub off, right?

**Mack: **Oh, right! Anyway, thanks again, Rose. It really is the best. I'm gonna go document this! (And with that, Mack runs off.)

(Suddenly, Andrew Hartford appears from around the corner.)

**Mr. Hartford:** Dammit! I can't believe this! This was the biggest failure of my career!

**Will: **Wait, I thought you liked it when we suffered.

**Ronnie: **And since when were you in on our plan?

**Rose:** Wait a minute . . . Mr. Hartford, it was you who put the spray cheese in our cans, wasn't it?!

**Mr. Hartford: **Yeah, I forgot that cheese is Mack's favorite food. Dammit.

**Dax:** Wait, I thought Mack was lactose intolerant.

**Will:** (Ignores Dax)You asshole! That's fucking cheating!

**Mr. Hartford: **Well, in case you haven't noticed, I'm fuckin' loaded. The rules don't apply to me.

**Dax:** That's not fair to the rest of us!

**Mr. Hartford:** What do _you_ know?

**Dax: **(Heroically) I know that pie . . . tastes like crayons.

**Mr. Hartford: **Wait, didn't you say that already?

**Dax:** Say what?

**Mr. Hartford: **That pie tastes like crayons.

**Dax: **(Scoffs) That's a totally random thing to say.

**Mr. Hartford:** (Shakes his head) I guess this goes to show that you should never mince words with a dumbass.

**Dax:** Huh?

**Mr. Hartford: **What's the matter? You don't know what the word 'mince' means?

**Dax:** (Indignantly) Of course I do! It's the end-y part of a word that means it tastes minty, like pepper_mints_. But I've never had a nevermint. That sounds like fairy food. Hey, I bet Spencer would like some.

**Mr. Hartford:** (Rolls his eyes) You dipshit. Although he is the biggest fucking fairy currently lameing up this house.

**Will:** (Mutters) Fucking hell . . .

**Ronnie:** Please, you guys, I think we've already established that Dax . . . (Looks at Dax, only to find him picking his nose, eyes crossed, completely delighted by the sensation it is bringing him) . . . is, for lack of better words, a dumbass, but we're still no closer to our objective!

**Will:** She's right Rose. Mack is still a reeking, ass-blowing, shit-scented, Kenshin worshiping, cheese-wearing, cottage cheese spewing fucking time bomb to our demise with a couple of dumpster-diving racoons slowly dying in each of his armpits. If we can't fix this soon . . . we're gonna fucking die!

**Rose:** (Whispers to Ronnie) What does liking Kenshin have to do with this?

**Ronnie:** (Whispers) I don't know, but we should just listen, Will is monologing.

**Rose: **(Still whispers) Okay.

**Will:** And Rose, if I recall correctly, you made a promise. Your plan failed, so now, you have to just fucking _tell _him!

**Rose:** Okay, first of all, you're a potty mouth, and second of all, my plan did _not _fail. It was sabotaged, so technically . . .

**Will:** Is Mack de-funkified?

**Rose:** Well, no.

**Will: **Then _technically_, this is your responsibility. Now just do it!

**Dax:** Perhaps I can be of assistance here, Rose. I happen to specialize in this sort of thing.

**Rose:** Really?

**Dax:** Yeah. When Mack knocks all your teeth out because you broke his little Mackie heart, I can chew you food for you!

**Ronnie:** You asshole . . .

**Rose:** What is wrong with you?!

**Will: **(Steps in between them) Now, ladies, I'm sure there's a more mature way to handle this. That being said, let's avoid that option at all costs. (He socks Dax one in the jaw, and Dax crumples limply to the floor, unconscious.)

**Ronnie:** It's about time!

**Rose:** Yeah, but what are we gonna do with him now? We have to get rid of the evidence somehow.

**Will: **Hey, I've got it. Let's just stash him in Spencer's bathroom.

**Rose:** Okay, sounds good to me.

(The three Rangers drag their useless teammate away, toward the bathroom of the King of piss-babies.)

**Authors' note: Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed it enough to stick around for the next and final chapter. Please remember to leave lots of reviews! **


	6. Come Clean

(Dax groggily awakens to his unfamiliar surroundings. He finds himself on a cold, wet, slimy surface, like a dirty shower. In fact, he is in a dirty shower. Spencer's dirty shower.)

**Dax:** (Groans) Mommy? Ugh . . . where am I? (He looks around but sees nothing familiar.) How did I get here? Ahhh! (Suddenly realizes that he is in some sort of grimy, makeshift shower that is not only moist and unfamiliar, but covered in little black curly hairs.) Man, this is so nasty! (Stands erect, fumbles and slips around a little finally emerging and finding himself in an even bigger unfamiliar space.) What is this place? (Looks around some more trying to orient himself, but sees only an unfamiliar urine stained bed, an unfamiliar end-table with a single book on it, and a single suit hanging in the closet.)

(Then who should come in but the King of piss babies himself. Spencer strolls into the bathroom, naked, fat jiggling obscenely, humming a jolly tune, when both he and Dax catch sight of each other.)

**Dax/Spencer:** AAAHHHHH!

(Meanwhile, the other, more mature Rangers are waiting just outside Mack's bedroom while Rose summons the courage to tell him the truth.)

**Will:** Will you hurry up already? I want this reekish nightmare over with NOW.

**Rose:** Okay, fine! I'm going. (Knocks on the door) Mack?

(Knocks again, and this time the door slowly creaks open on its own. No one is inside.)

**Rose:** Oh, well. I guess we'll have to look elsewhere, like my house. Or the moon. Or maybe Chuckie Cheese's-

**Ronnie: **Oh no you don't.

**Will:** Yeah, you're not weenieing outta this one. We're at least gonna go inside.

**Rose:** No way. It's a violation of privacy.

**Will: **Aww, come on. (He and Ronnie drag her into the room.)

**Ronnie: **(Looking around) Wow, Mack has a Spencer-themed dartboard.

**Will: **(Goes to the bed) Barney bed sheets? (Scoffs) Mack is even lamer than I thought.

**Rose: **This isn't Mack's room.

**Will:** We're not going anywhere, Rose. You promised-

**Rose:** No, this really isn't his room. Why would he have a poster that says 'Anime will be my utter undoing'? (She points to a poster on the wall.)

**Ronnie:** Yeah, and look at that one. (Points to another poster that reads 'Cheese is the devil')

**Will: **Well if it's not Mack's, then whose is it?

**Rose:** (Picks up a book) Hey, guys, check this out. (Reads aloud) '101 Ways to Get Rid of Your Useless, Piss-Baby Butler and Make it Look Like an Accident'.

**Will:** Holy shit! Hartford's fixing to kill Spencer! (Mutters) Not like I mind . . .

(Out of nowhere, Dax runs in.)

**Dax:** Hey, guys. You won't believe what happened! I woke up in, get this, Spencer's SHOWER!

**Will: **You don't say.

**Dax: **Yeah! And look what I found! (Produces a book)

**Rose:** (Takes it and reads the title aloud) 'The Butler Did It! How To Get The Inheritance And Leave No Forensic Evidence'.

**Will:** (Jaw drops) This place is so fucked up. I'm starting to wish that I hadn't accepted this job.

**Dax:** Yeah, well, you can piss in one hand and shit in the other-

**Will:** The saying is, 'You can WISH in one hand and shit in the other', you dipshit.

**Dax:** Huh? I wasn't talking about wishes. I was talking about my twelfth birthday party.

**Rose:** That's disgusting!

**Will: **(Sarcastically) Yeah, nothing I'd rather hear about than your twelfth birthday party.

**Dax:** Yeah, I know! It was soooooo awesome! Everyone came dressed as rolls of paper towels and we each thought up a slogan to get our brand to sell. Mine was the best, of course.

**Will:** Oh yeah? What was it? The Quilted Quicker-Fucker Upper?

**Rose:** Guys, we'd better get out of here. Who know when Mr. Hartford might come back?

(Just then, Mr. Hartford enters.)

**Mr. Hartford:** (Annoyed) What are a bunch of stinky teenagers doing my room? Don't you have some drugs to do or something?

**Will: **WE'RE stinky?! What about your cheese-sucking son, Asshole The Second?

**Mr. Hartford: ** Shut up. You don't have any room to complain. You're lucky I even let you in my house!

**Rose:** Um, hello?! We're saving the world, because YOU got it into this mess!

**Mr. Hartford:** Please. I'm rich. I don't need to be accountable for my actions.

**Will:** (Gapes in shock) You're a fucking douche bag, you know that?

**Mr. Hartford:** Whatever. Just get the hell out of my room. (He shows them to the door.)

**Dax:** Since when can YOU tell us what to do? You don't own us! Disney owns us!

**Mr. Hartford:** Wrong again, dumbass. Who do you think owns Disney?

**Rose:** No way . . . you?

**Mr. Hartford:** That's right. I bought it last week. I own you, I own Donald, Daisy and Goofy, I even own Mickey fuckin' Mouse! Hell, I own Walt Disney himself.

**Rose:** Mr. Hartford, you DO realize that Walt Disney is dead.

**Mr. Hartford:** And why do you think that is?

**Ronnie:** (Shocked) . . . you?

**Mr. Hartford:** What? Who said that? There's no evidence of that! Now get the hell out of here, before I REALLY own you!

(The four Rangers exit Mr. Hartford's room, but not but not before Dax leaves a pile of shit on the floor. Mr. Hartford lunges at him, poised to fuck him up, but Dax, thinking quickly for once, hastily shuts the door. Mr. Hartford slams into it and is knocked unconscious.)

(A little later, the Rangers meet in the Hartford's living room.)

**Rose: **Okay, obviously that didn't work.

**Ronnie:** Well, what if you didn't directly tell him? Like, you could write him a note or something.

**Will:** Personally, I really don't care, just as long as you get the message across.

**Rose:** That's it! I'll write him a poem! And you can all help me.

**Ronnie:** I'm in.

**Will:** I'll do anything!

**Dax:** Take it from a _true_ romantic, no one writes better poems than me.

**Rose:** Dax, this isn't a love poem.

**Dax:** I didn't say love, I said _romance_. And take it from me, there is nothing more romantic than the smell of a semi-digested camel carcass, rotting in the desert. And I know, I know from personal experience, that is exactly what Mack smells like.

**Will:** (Disgusted) Are you saying that turns you ON?!

**Dax:** Huh? What gave you that idea?

**Rose: **Dax, that is totally disgusting. I'm trying to convey a message here, namely, that Mack reeks, and that is not a good thing.

**Dax:** (Shakes his head) Rose, just because you're conveying that message, it doesn't mean your poem can't still be romantic. Look, if that whole camel thing is to much for you, than here's what you should do. Mail him a dead woodchuck, along with a poem that says:

'_My dearest Mack,_

_Unlike this woodchuck, my love for you will never die._

_But like this woodchuck, you reek and need to take a bath._

_Love, _

_Rose.'_

**Rose:** Okay, first of all, that doesn't even rhyme, and second, who said I love him?!

**Will: **(Grins)Who said you didn't?

**Ronnie:** And why are you being so defensive?

**Rose:** That is SO not the point! Now, unless you guys want to be outlived by whatever's growing in his armpits, I say we get to work.

**Will:** (Shudders) Can't argue with that.

(And with that, the Rangers get to work on their respected poem ideas. About five minutes later, everyone but Rose has one.)

**Rose:** All right, give me your suggestions. I've got nothing.

**Will:** I wrote a Haiku. Check it out:

_Mack, you're a great guy,_

_But I can't hang out with you_

_Because you reek._

**Rose:** No good. Your last line only has four syllables.

**Will:** Dammit. Okay, what if it was, '_Because you suck balls?_'

**Rose:** Will, what's wrong with you? We're trying to tell him he reeks, not insult him! Next.

**Ronnie: **Okay, here's mine:

_Mack, you know that I'll kiss you,_

_If the time should come,_

_But if you take a bath,_

_There's more where that came from._

**Rose:** Ronnie, no! What am I, a fucking whore? Next.

**Dax:** Okay, Here's the one I wrote.

**Will:** (Rolls his eyes) This should be a gem.

**Dax:** (Reading from his paper)

_Roses are red,_

_Light bulbs are glass,_

_Shut up before I kick your ass!_

**Rose:** Dax, you ripped that off of Mack! He said that in school last month when Will insulted Ruroni Kenshin.

**Will:** Hey, I've got an idea, Dax. Why don't you just change the last line?

_Roses are red, _

_Light bulbs are glass,_

_You fucking reek like Dax's ass!_

**Dax:** Hey, that's not fair! My ass does _not _reek!

**Will:** Yes it does! You never wipe!

**Dax:** That's not true! I wipe every week! Or just whenever it gets too itchy.

**Rose:** That DOES it! Obviously, you're all just immature, comatose, slack-jawed, unintelligent, incompetent babies! You can't do anything right! I'm just gonna have to tell Mack myself!

**Mack:** Tell me what?

(Rose turns and sees Mack, who has just entered the room.)

**Rose:** Oh, Mack! I was just . . . uh . . .

**Mack:** Hey, are you guys doing poetry?

**Rose:** Uh . . . yeah! Care to join us?

**Mack:** Sure! But what did you want to tell me?

**Rose:** Oh, it was nothing.

**Mack:** Come on, Rose. If you have something to say, then I _definitely_ want to hear it.

**Rose:** (Trying to get her brain to work around her melting heart.) Uh . . .

**Mack:** Yes?

**Rose:** Mack, I find you entirely olfactometricly displeasing.

**Mack: **Wow, Rose. I didn't understand a word of that, but it sounded so sexy when you said it.

**Rose:** Oh, Mack . . .

**Mack:** You don't have to say anything. (He leans in, closer and closer. His stink wave hits her, and finally, she can take no more.)

**Rose:** Okay, Mack, I can't take it anymore! You reek! You smell bad, we're all dying, YOU NEED TO BATHE!

**Mack:** (Smiles) I know.

**Will/Dax/Ronnie/Rose:** WHAT?!

**Will:** You mean you knew?! THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME?! We were chocking and dying and suffering because of you hideous fucking stench, AND YOU KNEW?!!

**Mack: **Let me explain. You see, my dad and I made this bet . . .

(Mack has a flashback)

(Flashback)

**Mack:** Hey, dad, I bet you I can go a whole week without bathing!

**Mr. Hartford:** You're on! (Mack and Andrew shake hands) You know, there's no way you're gonna win. You'll have your friends pressuring you to bathe like nothing else!

**Mack:** That's the point. I want to see who's the most honest; who will make the best friend.

**Mr. Hartford:** Whatever, Mackie. It's your money and their funeral.

(Flashback ends)

**Mack:** I'm so glad it was you that told me, Rose. And since you were the most honest, now I have something to tell you. I love you.

**Rose:** (Smiles adoringly)

**Ronnie:** Aww.

**Will:** All right, Mack! Way to go!

**Mack:** And if there's ever anything I can do for you . . . (He leans in close and whispers in her ear) . . . just say the word.

(Rose is loving this, until she catches another whiff of him. Suddenly, her throat has a flashback of everything she's eaten in the past week.)

**Rose: **(Takes a step back) Yeah, how about you take a bath before you go and try to kiss me, pretty boy?

(Suddenly, Mr. Hartford and Spencer appear.)

**Mr. Hartford:** But if you do, you'll owe me twenty bucks.

**Mack:** Hmm, let's see . . . keep twenty bucks, or kiss a pretty girl . . . Here you go, dad. (Hands him a twenty and dashes upstairs, toward the bathroom.)

**Mr. Hartford:** Woo-hoo! I won! Twenty bucks! Wait a sec, I'm rich. I don't need this chump change. Here ya go, Spence. Twenty bucks.

**Ronnie:** Wow, that's one hell of a tip.

**Mr. Hartford:** Tip? That's two months' salary right there. (He notices a stray piece of paper on the ground.) Hey, what's this? (He reads it over) The last line of this haiku only has four syllables. How about, '_Because you smell bad'_?

**Will:** Dammit! Why didn't I think of that?

**Dax:** Well, duh! Because you're a dumbass!

(Finally, everyone, completely fed up with Dax, closes in on him, ready to solve the problem at its source)

**Dax:** Everything alright, guys? Uh, why is everyone staring at me? And . . . looking deranged? And hungry? Guys? GUYS?! HELP!

(But by then, it's too late.)

**The End.**

A/N: Sorry this one took so long, everyone. I had a bit of an engagement. Anyway, there it is! What did you think? TELL ME HOW IT WAS OR I'LL CHOKE MY FOOT OFF!

**New Warrior of Fire's foot:** Help! She means it!


End file.
